"... when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
-- When Harry met Sally

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed."
-- Carl Jung

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Pushing limits: going above and beyond... real hard (E)

My Goddess and I once more had a wonderful day off together, going around town for a couple of meals, and checking out a few of our favorite stores on Black Friday. We actually hit the retail stores later in the day so that the crowds were less unpleasant, and we took the opportunity to check out some of our favorite kinky stores in case there was anything that inspired us.

Underlying this was a deep D/s tension, left over in me from the mood I expressed yesterday morning in my post, and in my Goddess as she has been just so hungry over the course of the last two weeks. To fuel her fire even more, she was quite pleased with my clean-up of our makeshift dungeon, and the twinkle in her eyes at the time I showed it to her clearly told me it wouldn't be long before we would be making use of it.

Once we returned home in the evening, my Goddess didn't waste any time before letting me know some serious play was coming my way. The locking collar was on as soon as I could get undressed, with the locking leather wrist cuffs right after. She clipped my hands behind my back, teased me with a little NT, and grabbing one of D-rings on my collar, she led me down to our little dungeon.

Once there, my Goddess forced me to my knees under the upper rack, unclipped my leather wrist cuffs for a second, and re-clipped them about 24-inches apart to the upper rack. She left me alone for about a minute to contemplate my predicament, turning off the lights and shutting the door, and telling me not to go anywhere, as she went to pick-up a few more toys.

Upon her return, my Goddess quickly took away my sight with a blindfold, and proceeded to some serious NT and CBT. Totally vulnerable, unable to protect myself, she just dropped me heavily into subspace from the intensity of the play, and the power of her voice. With some pinching, scratching, digging in of her nails, and some heat play from her cigarette, she quickly got the whimpers from me she so enjoys, and she told how hot they were in her best dominant, sexy, and stern voice.

My Goddess left me for a second time, very briefly, to pick-up some more toys. I was way deep into subspace by then, my surrender to her unconditional. As she returned after maybe 30 seconds, my Goddess unclipped my wristcuffs and had me turn around on my knees so that now I faced the wall. She re-clipped my wristcuffs to the same upper rack, and now she had full access to my back while I was on my knees, arms stretched above my head. With the rather severe position, the blindfold , and the collar, I think just the restraining part of the scene would have had me in deep subspace by itself.

But my Goddess had much more on her mind. I soon started feeling her tapping me with the cane across my buttocks. She warmed me up nicely, but within just 2 or 3 minutes, I felt some of the hardest and sharpest strokes I've ever felt her give me. Because of the angle produced by me being on my knees, in some cases the strikes from the cane occasionally extended onto the back of my thighs, and those really, really hurt. With little room to move, my body still squirmed a bit from the afterschock of the cane strokes. My Goddess teased me with little things like "Where are you going? You can't go anywhere." As much as the actual play, the control my Goddess exerted over me, and the expression of her dominance in both actions and words, totally engulfed me in her power.

My Goddess finished up with the cane with what were without a doubt the hardest 2 or 3 blows I have ever received. I could feel the sting at the point of contact spread from there to my entire body. It was physically overwhelming, mentally intoxicating, spiritually amazing... my Goddess was leading the way into new territory for us. I was all hers at this point, and she was taking me somewhere new, wherever she wanted.

Adrift in subspace like perhaps I'd never been before, I barely noticed the transition until my Goddess told me "And now, you're really going to get fucked", and I felt the tip of our thickest dildo/vibrator against my anal opening. Again, I can't describe the power in her voice... dripping in dominance and joyful sadism... so hot, so sexy, so dominant, so intoxicating.

My Goddess turned on the vibrating/pulsing functions of the vibrator, and quickly went to work on me. This was a new position for anal play for us, and a particularly intense one at that. It's one thing to be on all-fours on the bed, or lying on my belly, or lying on my back for anal play, it's a whole other thing to be on my knees spread apart by about 18 inches (and they were hurting a bit by then from both my weight and a some slight carpet burn), with my arms stretched out above my head, hands bound 24 inches apart. The anal play was phenomenal, even though the position was starting to take its toll on me. Despite being totally lost in subspace, by now without a doubt deeper than I had ever been before, I still had a moment of lucidity when I realized that I found myself up against the wall as my Goddess continued the anal play. My chest against the wall, my head against the wall, on my knees, my arms above me (and slightly behind me by then), my moans got so loud that my Goddess threatened to gag me. Of course, hearing her voice telling me she was going to do one more dominantly evil thing to me just added fuel to the fire. With every thrust of the dildo, I could feel the will of my Goddess overtaking me even more.

But something went wrong. I started feeling light headed, and that feeling of losing control was not a BDSM thing, it was a physical thing. It came up really quick on me, and i could feel myself slipping. I called out a safeword to slow down the scene, and followed up immediately by calling out another safeword to end the scene. I don't know quite what happened. I thought I had eaten a good meal just before. Although I'm pretty sure the scene hadn't gone an hour in length, maybe I was dehydrated from the intense play. Maybe I hyperventilated during the anal play. Maybe I didn't eat enough and my blood sugar plummeted from the play and its excitement. Or maybe it just wasn't a peak day for my body. Even great athletes aren't up to setting new records on any given day.

But regardless of why the scene had to come to a sudden end, at the moment it was called, and arguably for several minutes previously, my Goddess had taken me somewhere I'd never been before in terms of subspace, surrender, submission, and physical and mental intensity. NEVER. EVER. The severe bondage position... the hard NT & CBT... the very intense caning... the very rough anal play in a difficult position... the thick mood of dominance and submission... my Goddess' words and tone of voice... everything... absolutely everything... just made this the most intense scene ever for me.

I feel terrible that it had to come to an end that way, much more for my Goddess than for myself. The way the scene crashed in a matter of seconds, it scared the living daylights out of her. I should have communicated better during the scene. We were both building momentum so fast and so hard, and we should have exchanged more. I got lost in the scene, and should have mentioned we were going somewhere I hadn't felt before. It's easy to say that the dominant controls the scene, but the sub is the first one who can provide the feedback. And I got careless.

I was shaken after the scene ended, but had almost recovered before going to sleep. This morning, I relive the emotions of the scene with the peace and satisfaction of having made new discoveries, of having gone beyond where I had ever been before, even if I bumped into some new limits.

On my Goddess' side, I know she was shaken much more deeply, and has remained troubled since the scene ended. I hope that it won't discourage her from pushing limits in the future again. Obviously, pushing limits and expanding boundaries may not go smoothly all of the time. When one hasn't been down a certain road, it's more likely to get lost on it. But once one has made it through there, it's much easier to navigate that road in the future. Together, when we feel that kind of intensity coming on, we'll just have to up the feedback loop a few notches.

I have no second thoughts or bad feelings whatsoever about last night's scene. How can I? After what we reached... after where we went... I am, however, disappointed that I could not see it through for my Goddess, and sad that it scared her.

To a large extent, for myself, I'm kind of looking back at it like a mountaineer would look back at a higher peak that he had to turn away from because of bad weather. But the peak that was reached yesterday is one I will cherish forever.

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