"... when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
-- When Harry met Sally

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed."
-- Carl Jung

Friday, November 27, 2009

Editing fantasies, hunger, and yearning (E)

Artwork courtesy of Flat Earth Social Club (can't make out the artist's name)

I woke up too early this morning... excited, zoned out, a bit in subspace, hungry... hungry for my Goddess... hungry for her attention... hungry for her dominance... hungry for her to hurt me...

We spent a wonderful day together yesterday, made all the more exciting and tantalizing because she looked stunning when we went out. That's not in contrast to how she normally looks... my Goddess is a beautiful woman, as gorgeous and sexy in jeans and T-shirt as she is in more formal dress. In addition, she spent a bit of time breaking-in her new high heels, which are just to die for (and almost bring me to my knees every time I see her in them).

We returned home in the early evening, and as we were relaxing, my Goddess asked me to show her some BDSM clips that I had liked in the past. I was curious to why she would ask, and her reply was that she was in the mood for inspiration... something new, something different. OMG...

So we made ourselves comfortable in bed. She was in panties, bra, and she had kept on the very sexy stockings that she had been wearing. Her lingerie was all black with some peach-colored trimmings. That didn't make it easy for me to focus on the job at hand. As for myself, I has on an undershirt, underwear, and my locking leather collar, which is always the first thing that goes on me when we return home.

So we spent the evening in bed surfing the web on our laptop, with me pulling up femdom BDSM clips from some of my favorite websites. How cool is that... spending hours looking at BDSM porn with my Beloved. We had done a little bit of that occasionally a long time ago as she was wanting to learn more about what other people were doing, and how they were doing it, and we do have a small collection of femdom oriented DVDs that we watch from time to time. But we never spent hours upon hours pouring over clips like this. It was fun, and it was really exciting.

But truth be told, there were also slight feelings of shyness and worry on my part. While we have outstanding communication between us, both in D/s and RL, it was one of those very vulnerable moments of sharing that could lead into the uncertainty of the dark territory of the new. We've both been very good and daring at this exploration, keeping it at the forefront of our journey together. And yet, I find that it never gets that much easier to do it from one time to another. What if I pulled a clip that had something she really hated or turned her off? Or something she would never do? Or a clip that was hot overall but had a part that we weren't into but she might think that I wanted?

All silly worries, of course, in view of our connection and how open my Goddess has always been throughout our relationship. Maybe it was my feeling of vulnerability in this editing exercise that explicitly revealed fantasies in such a raw form. But again, there was nothing new that had been revealed, virtually nothing we haven't done or aren't doing. We've already shared so much, and we feel so comfortable sharing. I guess it was just the medium for expression and sharing that left me a bit vulnerable and wanting her approval.

I have to say, though, that was really hot. We had such a fun time looking over the clips. There were some good, lots of bad, and some ugly clips, but overall, the fun we had reminded me of how special my Goddess is. I was as honest and sharing as I could, and I think that if there was anything negative about the experience, it was a sense from my Goddess that, apart from some really fancy equipment and a few unlikely scenarios, it was overwhelmingly "been there, done that".

To further increase the tension on the D/s scale, my Goddess spent the last half-an-hour of us watching clips doing some NT. Since I was still sore from some heavy NT two days ago, she particularly enjoyed the intensity of my reactions to anything and everything she did. And I could feel the sadistic enjoyment she felt from my predicament when I had a hard time aligning the mouse properly on the laptop screen to change web pages, open up clips, or close them, during the NT.

Despite the high D/s energy flowing between us, we were both dead-tired from our day, and after over 3 hours of femdom BDSM clips, we prepared to go to sleep. But I woke up this morning in a total state of excited submission, hunger, and yearning. I couldn't go back to sleep. I keep thinking about my Goddess. About how the NT felt last night. About my belonging to her. About how hot and sexy and dominant and wonderful and awesome and special she is. And without expectations for today, tomorrow, or the weekend, I have this heavy feeling of submissive anticipation inside of me. And it won't let me get back to sleep.

As my Goddess had been talking over the last few days about how much she's missed doing a scene in our little makeshift dungeon, something we setup in a large closet we have, this morning was just the perfect time to clean it up while she continued to sleep.

Just in case she's in the mood any time soon...

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