The Chosen One (S)

photo courtesy of http://jcicu.tumblr.com/

Looking back at my own past, I have realized I was never very participatory in my dating selection. I let all the guys make the first move and if they were tolerable I would give them a shot. This often turned into those relationships where people would say, "hmmmm...what an odd couple" and, ultimately, would leave me feeling empty. Ugh!

Dymion is the first man I have ever truly chosen. I saw him...I loved him...I got him. He submitted to me and allowed me ownership and I take this very seriously. Unfortunately, this has not always brought out the best in me. He would never stray...I KNOW THAT...but I find myself very jealous and territorial. I don't like it. I think it is a bit "catty", but it is only out of love and devotion that I want to keep him close. I want him to have the clingy feeling of belonging. This only reiterates the point that I am, without a doubt, SOOOOOO meant to be a Domme. I am surprised I never realized this before this relationship. How odd...

So to curb my jealous tendencies, I have reinstated some old rules that had taken a lull since our recent life changes and my surgical recovery. Dymion will again be sleeping in his wrist and ankle cuffs (along with the usual collar!) every night. Besides being super hot, it is reassuring to me. This doesnt mean we will play every night (he should be so lucky!), but it does mean that each and every night he will be reminded of my ownership. I need that for my own peace of mine. I know these types of rituals will assist me in conquering the demons that nag at me from time to time. This only proves, once again, that a BDSM lifestyle can be sexy, loving, and THERAPEUTIC!

I know now that the reason I never really CHOSE anyone before is because I wanted to avoid that feeling of "what ifs" that come from relationships you are truly in to. Honestly, it still scares me to think someone could walk away or hurt me. I have no true, rational worries he would do such things, but this is still "in love" thing is still pretty new to me and I can be a worrier. (I am sure Dymion read that last line and said, "Ya think?!?!?!") Oh well, he is a precious gift and I feel lucky so, of course, I want to keep our relationship on the perfect path. However, as I have said many times, there is quite a difference in dominating a person and just being a plain nag. I will continue to work on it. In the meantime, through rituals and affection, I will embrace my territorial feelings, as any true Dominant should.

Morning wake-up (E)

"adivira" by piote, via deviantart and lunarblack.

I felt the warmth of her body all over my back. She tugged on my wrists and held them together by the cuffs. I could feel her nails running down my shoulders and sides. She nibbled hard on the flesh of my upper back. Slowly I came out of the darkness of sleep, just to slip into the fog of subspace. My Goddess was up early, and she was hungry...

I was sleeping on my front when my Goddess woke me up with her hurting affection early this morning. It somehow felt a logical follow-up to the mood created with her request for the locking wrist cuffs last night (see previous post) after she placed the locking collar around my neck.

From her position sitting on my lower back, my Goddess pulled on my hair, scratched my skin wherever she could reached, grabbed the locked of my collar, pulled the wrist cuffs over my head, bit on my flesh, and started moving her hips in a rhythmic fashion, increasingly excited by my reactions to her control and her little sadistic hurts.

Still keeping me flat on my belly by her position, my Goddess reached under my chest with her hands, and with her long nails, she began to tease, torment, and torture my nipples. My bodily movement uncontrollably amplified, and so did my moaning. With one of the bedroom windows half open, I moved my head straight into the pillow so nobody outside would hear me.

She continued and increased the NT. My muffled moans got louder. My Goddess leaned over and whispered in my ear how hot it was to hear me make noise into the pillow for her. Her gyrations against my lower back increased as she increased the pain. The chain reaction had already begun, and it was spiraling out of control rapidly. She hurt me, I reacted, it excited her, she hurt me again, at a higher level of intensity.

Within a few minutes of this intoxicanting unraveling of the pain-pleasure spiral, my Goddess reached climax. After it passed, she laid fully over my back, leaving me feel her shuddering and her post-orgasm tremors. It was so hot, and so satisfying, to be the object of her dominance, her pain, and her pleasure.

We spent some more time lying together in bed, close, lost in each other. We would have to get up and going shortly, but we revelled in the intense moments we had just shared, and we already looked forward to the next opportunity to do it again.

Collar and cuffs (E)

Artwork courtesy of http:/lunarblack.tumblr.com; artist unknown.

The nightly collaring ritual is always so special to us. I had a few posts (here and here) on this subject over the last few weeks.

Every few days or few weeks, though, my Goddess needs more. Tonight was one of those times. She requested that I bring her the locking leather wrist cuffs after she placed the locking leather collar around my neck.

She didn't order me to get them in a haughty and bitchy and condescending manner. She wasn't planning to immobilize me for some pain and torture. She wasn't looking forward to enjoy watching me struggle in bondage overnight.

No, she just told me she needed them. She told me that she wanted me locked into them so that she could keep me nearby. Keep me close. Keep me from going away.

I felt, and I knew, that apart from the actual light bondage keeping me near her, there was a need for her to demonstrate her ownership of me, both for her and for me. The symbolism far outweighed the actions. There was something soft about the control she exerted, something tender about the power she exercised.

And it was just as dominant on her part as locking the cuffs around my wrists for any other reason. It reinforced the D/s dynamics of our relationship just as much. Not through severity or strictness or force. But rather, through subtlety, nuance, and range.

Mid-night interlude (E)

Artwork courtesy of http://www.metroflog.com/ via http://lunarblack.tumblr.com/

I don't know how many hours I'd been sleeping. A few. Maybe more. It was still totally dark outside. I was woken up by my Goddess sitting on top of my hips. No words are spoken. She reaches for my nipples. She goes hard.

I know the drill... I know what she wants... and I could try to move my hips. But only real squirming resulting from the real pain she inflicts will satisfy her and lead her to orgasm. So that's what she does.

Occasionally she reaches for my locking leather collar and tugs on one of the rings. Occasionally, she reaches for my throat and squeezes not so gently. But for the most part, my Goddess is getting the stimulation she wants from the nipple torture, my squirming, and her movements.

My member is rock hard but there is no penetration. My Goddess doesn't need it. She controls the pace and the intensity by the amount of pain she inflicts. And she builds up the spiral of pain for me and pleasure for her until she gets the climax she was lusting for. She always gets what she wants.

As her trembling starts to subside while she is laying on top of me, she tells me "Thanks!" in a teasingly girlish voice. She follows up by telling me "that's all you get tonight."

She rolls over, and tells me to come in close to her. I'm still rock hard, and in subspace. I spoon as close as I can, and I hug her as tight as I can. Until the morning, we didn't move. I simply couldn't let her go. We talked about it in the morning, and we both thought it was a good kind of clingy.

Predicaments I never want to end (E)

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Beating the Clock (S)

I have a confession. Though I fully intended to honor the countdown you have seen on our blog for the past month, I simply didn't make it. After 4 of the 6 weeks of "pelvic rest" my doctor ordered after surgery, I decided to engage in some sexual gratification. Though a bit sore today, I don't think any damage was done. It was completely awesome to be with Dymion again after a month. We had never gone so long without such intimacy and it was a connection I desperately needed.

Last night was simply one of those perfect moments. Since I had not been feeling well in the last few weeks, play has been limited to very small "spicy vanilla" moments where I offered my darling boy a bit of release during our time of abstinence. Last night, I got out the cuffs, some minor fetish wear, and truly lost myself in my boy for a bit. After some torment and forced oral sexual servitude, I simply needed to take it a step further.

Truly remarkable how comfortable it is to be back in the swing of things. Our relationship is so natural, comfortable, and unbelievably hot. I am going to attempt to abstain once again from this point forward for the next two weeks, but we shall see how it goes. Dymion is an irresistable drug to me and I don't intend to go to rehab...ever.

Leaving the house... wearing the locked collar (E)

Artwork courtesy of http://lunarblack.tumblr.com/

This morning, my Goddess sent me out on an errand. Wearing my locked leather collar.

Now this wasn't going to be high-risk. It was kind of chilly outside, so I could wear a fleece with a bit of a collar, and I was just doing a drive-thru gig.

Still very exciting for me. First of all, it was great to have my Goddess remind me first thing this morning that she was leaving my collar longer than usual today. Then having her order me to go run an errand while still wearing the collar was very hot. And it was uber-hot when she announced this morning that "You're getting tied up tonight".

And I never tire of wearing the collar for her. It's just so full symbolism, and it makes me so proud.

What I found out when I returned, was that my Goddess was a little nervous while I was away, in case I got into a car accident. Kind of awkward to explain the locked collar as the EMTs are checking you out for injury. But I was discreet, and careful, and I made it home OK.

And feeling even a little more submissive than usual...

Personal/administrative assistant for a day (E)

Credit for the artwork/picture goes to bitchtress.com. Sadly, the site was shut down last time I checked.

It started in the morning when my Goddess asked me to print out a large number of attachments to emails she received over the weekend for an important meeting she had to attend later in the day. As I got up to take care of her request, she couldn’t resist pointing to someone that was with us that she had her own administrative assistant. And so the day began.

I printed out the attachments (more than a dozen), stapled the appropriate documents together, organized them in three different folders thematically, and brought them to her. I was delighted that she was quite pleased with what I had done.

While my Goddess was taking a bath, I prepared notes and reminders for her meeting in her notebook, and gathered up everything she would require for the meeting.

I fixed the tie she was planning on wearing. She looked stunning, with a small pink men’s shirt and pink silk tie, over dark grey slacks. As a fashion statement, her outfit was very power-suit, classy, and feminine, all at once.

I drove my Goddess to the location of the meeting, we had a quick lunch, and then she was off next door into one of the most prestigious buildings in the city. I waited nearly three hours for my Goddess to return, keeping myself busy with my own work (I love laptops and smart phones), first where we had lunch, then in the car.

She finally returned, and I was as happy as a puppy for us to be back together again. We discussed what happened during her meeting during the drive home. Once there, I put together her dinner, and we watched one of her favorite TV shows.

I can’t overstate how much I enjoyed playing personal/administrative assistant to my Goddess. The mood really started when she made the remark to someone unaware of what I’ll call “certain details” of our relationship about how good it was to have me as an administrative assistant. It just snowballed from there. The feelings of needing to be of service to my Goddess quickly overcame everything else, as did feelings of submissiveness, belonging and ownership. I wanted, I NEEDED, to be helpful and useful, and support her in any way I could to show her how proud I am of her, and how proud I am to be hers.

At certain moments during the course of the day when I was alone, my imagination ran away a bit with the whole life-of-personal-and-professional-service-to-a-dominant-woman fantasy. Those moments of fantasy were magnified by some of the feelings I had during my service as personal and administrative assistant. And I can only wonder… what if…

It was a wonderful day. Vanilla in all appearance from the outside, but deeply D/s in its details, and I enjoyed every bit of it.

Collared (E)

Artwork courtesy of http://lunarblack.tumblr.com

It's been over a year since my Goddess collared me, and I have to say that the symbolism, the sensations, and the emotions of wearing her collar(s) has not waned in the least for me since the very first day. Quite the contrary.

There isn't a day that goes by when I don't reach for the chain, and the small lock that keeps it on, that serves as my permanent collar on a day-to-day basis. My "mainstream" collar, other people may get a glimpse of the chain, depending on the kind of shirt I'm wearing, but rarely do they see the small lock that has kept it in place for all but perhaps 2 hours since she obtained it for me about six months ago.

The heaviness and texture of the braided chain is a constant reminder of the bonds that keep us together. I can't help but reach to feel the chain, and the ungiving sensation of the lock, several times a day. And each time, the senses of my belonging and her ownership swell within me, somehow warm, tender, powerful, inevitable, and without escape, all at once.

These feelings and emotions are multiplied several-fold by my locking leather collar, which I wear every night, and parts of the day when we are alone at home. Something about it being unmistakably not mainstream... the thick black leather... the three D-rings... the metal studs... the small padlock hanging off the buckle in back... I reach up to feel it at least every hour, even now, touching and feeling different parts of it, and it is a sight to behold when I catch the occasional glimpse of it in the mirror. This collar has been with us for over a year, and the times when I have not gone to sleep with it on have been very far and few between.

The time of day that I present the locking leather collar to my Goddess for placing around my neck for the rest of that day/evening, and overnight, is still perhaps my favorite time of day. The ceremony as I kneel before my Goddess and offer her the collar and lock is a brief daily celebration of our love for each other and our relationship.

Of course, this means that while the leather collar is around my neck, the locked chain is there too, and the occasional clanging of the chain's lock against the central D-ring of the leather collar excites my Goddess to no end. Especially if we are engaged in activities that lead to some clanging...

Reflecting briefly today upon yesterday's entry on my ever-growing infatuation with my Goddess, it occured to me that the symbolism, emotions, and sensations of being collared, and wearing a collar for her, had also grown as now, we have one more year of significance and meaning behind the gesture.

An ever-growing infatuation (E)

Artwork courtesy of http://doggies.tumblr.com/

A stunning vision that just about made me drop to my knees every time I saw her...

From the fantastic long while shirt with sleeves that flared at the wrists to the black jacket that remained opened in front, and her shiny, not-quite-at the-knee shiny high-heeled boots, I just could not take my eyes off my Goddess today. For the occasion of our longest day in public together in several weeks. She looked radiant and irrestibly sexy.

As our relationship continues to grow, I was reminded that I find myself increasingly, uncontrollably, attracted to my Goddess. I so enjoy her company, her wit, her intelligence, her affection, her humor, her care, and everything else she does for me. Our D/s relationship is beyond anything I could have scripted in my wildest dreams before I met her. And I love her beyond words. I can't even imagine where this will take us in the next few years.

She turned many heads today. I couldn't repress a smile every time someone noticed her. And I couldn't help but to think "they couldn't possibly imagine..."

Mainstream kink (E)

Picture from http://interviewmagazine.com/music/madonna/. I found it originally in Aarkey's blog.

It's funny how even the smallest snippet of kink in mainstream media can get us excited. Whether it's in books, movies, magazines, music, or on TV, who, among us, doesn't take a moment to stop and pause, and stare, to see how much is revealed, how well it's done, and whether it's done with a certain amount of respect or in derision.

All too often, of course, we end up disappointed. First, what is shown never feels like enough. Second, more often than not, it feels superficial. Third, derision is more often the mood than respect, or something that feels cutting edge.

That is, of course, when kink isn't put in the context of a murder investigation or psychologically abherrant behavior. Now don't get me wrong. I'm a big fan of the original CSI, and Lady Heather. But it would have been nice to have just one episode with some BDSM play where some of those involved didn't die.

I guess I can live with superficial. It may be better than nothing at all. But sometimes, I wonder what people are thinking. For example, I enjoy the stunning fetish fashion in Christina Aguilera's latest video, Not Myself Tonight, as much as anyone, but what exactly are they doing?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wt-tHcQR67Y

And why does she have to be feeling outside of herself in order to do, well, do something that has elements of BDSM? There's still an implication that she's doing something taboo, or worse, something wrong.

At the end of the day, my excitement at seeing flashes of kink in the mainstream is almost always shot down by how it's presented and what is implied. For every well-done Madonna shoot, or the surprising Mr. & Mrs. Willis shoot in W last summer...

... there's an awkward effort like the movie "Walk All Over Me"...

At the end of the day, that brief, almost stolen, thrill of finding kink in mainstream media comes with a reminder of how far society is from accepting what that imagery represents. The excitement of the moment is deflated by the reminder that I must keep relatively secret how I feel and who I am. And the extent of the extraordinary love I share with my Goddess must remain unknown to all but a few select acquaintances.

Quotes for reflection (E)

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Teasing and frustration (E)

Artwork courtesy of Erospainter

Yesterday, my Goddess was in a mood to be sexually satisfied... to hurt me... to own me... to be serviced... to have sex... to have me do whatever she wanted.

Unfortunately, her body is not ready for it yet (see her Countdown post). As of yesterday, it won't be ready for another 28 days. It drove her absolutely insane. She was already insane in lust in the mid-evening, and the unreachable only made it worse.

I was saddened by her predicament, but I ended up on the receiving end of some very pleasurable kissing and cuddling, and some very painful nipple play. The NT became increasingly intense as her lusting and her frustration grew. If she were to get nothing else, my Goddess needed to hear me moan and feel me squirm. She needed to affirm her ownership and display her control. She needed to relieve some of the pressure, just for a short while, in order not to explode. I was glad to be there for her.

We fell asleep frustrated but very close together. Delicious torment indeed... for both of us.

Blogging about our D/s relationship (E)

Artwork courtesy of Lunar Black

One of the many joys my Goddess and I share is this blog. The fact that we both write entries. The fact that we get really excited when we know the other is writing and about to post an entry. The fact that we can't wait to read what the other has written.

Part of that joy is the simple fact that we share in the duties and rewards of running a blog that has a pretty loyal readership. Another part of it is the opportunity to read thoughts, perspectives, and impressions of the other in ways that are different from what we get when we talk. There is something about the monologue of the blog that sometimes structures what we have to say in a more organized manner. Yet another part is an opportunity to express words that might be awkward to say verbally, but once they're out, they help us explore and push into new areas..

While I write more entries than my Goddess, our excitement over everything related to our blog is shared equally. I think this excitement over what we each put in here is a good reflection of our relationship... open, sharing, exploring, warm, exciting, trusting.

Not to say anything bad about the relationships that others are involved in, but I'm always saddened when I read that one of the partners is writing a blog, and their partner either doesn't read the blog, or doesn't know it exists. His' and her's blogs are very cool. But for those for whom blog writing is an unwillingly solo exercise within a relationship, I can only think of what is missed by the absent partner. What a missed opportunity to get into the head of their loved one! What a missed opportunity to have a better understanding of how their partner feels, and what makes them tick! Especially since some of the bloggers out there are good writers that show depth, insight, and understanding.

I know, I know... there are lots of flakes out there. But for those, it doesn't take too long before the BS comes to the surface.

Again, no disrespect intented. There are some couples out there that clearly have something really special going on. It's evident by the way their partner writes about them, the amount of time they've been together, and/or the fact that they seem to have a good family thing going on. But there's often an element of bittersweetness, or perhaps melancholy, that is apparent in reading some of those one-partner blogs.

My point today is that I enjoy and appreciate tremendously my Goddess and I sharing this blog. It is one more element that makes our dynamics so special, and I hope it reflects those special dynamics. It also reinforces those dynamics as the exercise of writing some of our rituals, routines, and interactions has formalized them.

I enjoy the duties of the blog. I enjoy the feedback we get. I especially enjoy my Goddess' involvement in it, and her excitement over everything I write. And for us, I couldn't possibly imagine us doing it any other way.