photo courtesy of http://jcicu.tumblr.com/
Looking back at my own past, I have realized I was never very participatory in my dating selection. I let all the guys make the first move and if they were tolerable I would give them a shot. This often turned into those relationships where people would say, "hmmmm...what an odd couple" and, ultimately, would leave me feeling empty. Ugh!
Dymion is the first man I have ever truly chosen. I saw him...I loved him...I got him. He submitted to me and allowed me ownership and I take this very seriously. Unfortunately, this has not always brought out the best in me. He would never stray...I KNOW THAT...but I find myself very jealous and territorial. I don't like it. I think it is a bit "catty", but it is only out of love and devotion that I want to keep him close. I want him to have the clingy feeling of belonging. This only reiterates the point that I am, without a doubt, SOOOOOO meant to be a Domme. I am surprised I never realized this before this relationship. How odd...
So to curb my jealous tendencies, I have reinstated some old rules that had taken a lull since our recent life changes and my surgical recovery. Dymion will again be sleeping in his wrist and ankle cuffs (along with the usual collar!) every night. Besides being super hot, it is reassuring to me. This doesnt mean we will play every night (he should be so lucky!), but it does mean that each and every night he will be reminded of my ownership. I need that for my own peace of mine. I know these types of rituals will assist me in conquering the demons that nag at me from time to time. This only proves, once again, that a BDSM lifestyle can be sexy, loving, and THERAPEUTIC!
I know now that the reason I never really CHOSE anyone before is because I wanted to avoid that feeling of "what ifs" that come from relationships you are truly in to. Honestly, it still scares me to think someone could walk away or hurt me. I have no true, rational worries he would do such things, but this is still "in love" thing is still pretty new to me and I can be a worrier. (I am sure Dymion read that last line and said, "Ya think?!?!?!") Oh well, he is a precious gift and I feel lucky so, of course, I want to keep our relationship on the perfect path. However, as I have said many times, there is quite a difference in dominating a person and just being a plain nag. I will continue to work on it. In the meantime, through rituals and affection, I will embrace my territorial feelings, as any true Dominant should.