"... when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
-- When Harry met Sally

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed."
-- Carl Jung

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Charted and uncharted waters (E)

"Kinky Konan" by sephire, found through and courtesy of Deviant Art and Lunar Black

Isn't my Goddess just the most awesomest?

I loved her entry. Her apology was not necessary, and frankly, quite unexpected. Maybe that's the "love unconditionally" part in me. But it's absolutely wonderful to know that the one you love so much thinks the world of you.

Scenarios that don't allow for win-win outcomes are, of course, the great challenge of communications among partners. Sometimes things have to said, emotions have to be revealed, and thoughts have to be shared. One partner can't remain silent and keep everything to themselves without eventually exploding.

On the other side, those words have to be heard, those feelings must be understood and validated. It's not always easy to do so. The instinctual reflex is often defensiveness or disregard.

The win-win outcome may not be in cards in the short-term. One side will feel better by the catharsis of sharing, but may feel the burden of stress or the hurt of the other. And the other side may feel stress, hurt, self-doubt, anger, and a whole slew of other feelings and emotions. The negative by-products of the sharing are not intentional, of course. However, it's not easy, nor really desirable, to sit back analytically and take things in stride. Good or bad, right or wrong, we just feel the way we do.

The sharing must happen, though. It must happen because if it doesn't clear obstacles, at least it delineates or points out where the rocky protuberances lie under the surface of the water. And to proceed forward safely, it would be foolish to leave those dangers uncharted or uncovered.

Emotional landscape, both under the surface and above, is something that is years in the making. And the result of dozens, if not hundreds, of human interactions. In order to have not only a safe journey but a wonderful one, it's necessary to be aware of that emotional landscape and navigate it correctly. It won't disappear... for either one of us. And we'll keep building more, and chart more of it, as we go along.

But an obstacle is easier to avoid when it is spotted earlier, and a danger more easily prevented than fixed. Open lines of communications are great for that. They help you deal with things before they get broken or scarred. And that's the long-term benefit of putting everything out on the table, even if some of moments of tension are impossible to avoid.

PS: And for my Goddess... there is no one else in the world I would rather have keep the key to my collar... and my heart...


  1. Nice post. Since part of my interest in a dominant / submissive relationship has to do with emotional catharsis, it's good for me to read this. Maybe dominance can lead to greater intimacy, but it's foolish to think that troubling emotions can be easily transcended or difficult talks passed over. I wish this was discussed more often, but the idea of mutual sacrifice isn't consistent with the fantasy image.

  2. ajr,

    Thank you for dropping by, and for sharing your thoughts.

    Indeed, dominance and intimacy, among other things, are lower on the pyramid of hierachies than emotions and communications. The latter two have to be at high (positive) levels in order for the former two to be possible, never mind outstanding.

    And you are also quite right in the opposition of the reality of mutual sacrifice and what the stereotypical femdom-type fantasies may be like. The interesting thing, though, is that while some parts of common fantasies can be unrealistic (as inspired by web and written media, and perceived through lack of experience and understanding), that mutual sacrifice you're talking about, in combination with good communications, an active sense of exploration, and open-mindedness, can easily allow us to surpass the fantasy by a large margin.