"... when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
-- When Harry met Sally

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed."
-- Carl Jung

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Relational needs - Part 1 (E)

Artwork courtesy of Thou Shall Love Thy Mistress

Differences in the relational needs of partners have always been of interest to me. It has been especially fascinating to observe and find out more about differences in relational needs in D/s relationships, since there is, in addition to having the element of gender, the elements of dominance and submission, fetishes and kinks, and specific play activities and scenes.

Of course, there is no way to tackle such a huge subject in one blog entry. But I hope to push gradually further in this area over the course of several entries as time allows.

Let me start with my own adaptation, for the purpose of today's reflections, of a few elements in the introduction of Willard F. Harley Jr. 's book "His Needs, Her Needs", one of the most celebrated (vanilla) books on couples and marriage.

"(1) Couples fail to make each other happy, or (2) couples make each other unhappy. In the first case, couples are frustrated because their needs are not being met. In the second case, they're... hurting each other... the first cause of conflict, failure to care and the second, failure to protect."

"... Men tend to try to meet needs that they value and women do the same. The problem is that the needs of men and women are often very different and we waste effort trying to meet the wrong needs."

"Become aware of each other's emotional needs and learn to meet them."

These important and insightful comments are true for any type of relationship, vanilla or D/s. Especially for those in the lifestyle, as nowhere can the mismatch of needs be greater than in D/s relationships. Additional levels of activity, interaction, and intensity render these relationships particularly complex and challenging. A kindred spirit to share fantasies, aspirations, intense and unforgettable moments, and love, is rare and priceless, and to lose such a precious person to carelessness or ignorance would be a real shame.

Why am I focusing on "emotional needs" per se? Because ultimately differences in needs in time spent together, vanilla activities (family, work, hobbies, financial management, etc...), fetish and kinks, BDSM scenes and play, relational dynamics, and even the amount of love felt/perceived from the other partner can all lead to emotional resentment. Many differences in a couple can be avoided or worked out, but by the time emotional resentment sets in, it can be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to recover. The communication landscape becomes littered with minefields and obstacles, and the connection between the partners gradually diminishes or can be severed all together.

Do I have definitive answers for all femdom relationships? No, of course not. My Goddess and I are discovering and forming our own. Some of the answers to the magic of our dynamics are the result of our extraordinary fit, and we understand certain factors, after the fact, as they've been part of lives for a while. Some of the other answers come to us through communication and experimentation. Yet others will come as move further into our relationship, and delve deeper into who we are as individuals and as a couple. And all the while, expressing and fulfilling who we are as individuals and as a couple.

To be continued...


  1. Hi, I love your blog! I've added you to my blogroll, is it okay to ask you to do the same? Thanks!

  2. cl,

    Thank you for the compliments! And welcome to our blog!

    I had not come across your blog before, but upon spending a little time perusing it, I was impressed by your passion and dedication, and the stunning photography. I've gladly linked you to our blogroll already, and my Goddess and I will swing by again to read some more as soon as we have a little more time.

    Thanks for dropping by!


  3. you have an interesting topic...can't wait 4 ur next installation on this topic!

  4. I echo similar sentiments. This is a very good topic to tackle and quite an interesting one. It's a shock how many couples/individuals you meet out there that would greatly benefit from better understanding of relationship dynamics.

    I'm very interested in reading the future installments as this is a very large subject to tackle (but one very much worth spending time on).

    In regards to this post in particular, I think it's a little interesting to see the various failures and successes in some of the mentioned characteristics when it comes to D/s relationships that began as D/s relationships as opposed to those that started vanilla and became D/s.

    Thank you very much for sharing this.