What I love the most about being Goddess Selena's submissive (E)

Artwork courtesy of Freya's Fancy, found on Girls Rule, Subs Drool

I'm not a huge fan of Fetlife. Several years ago I eventually became a little tired, perhaps even irritated, with it. Too many discussions focusing on definitions again and again. Too many threads started with an agenda of provocation. Too many posts that read like fake and/or bad wank fodder. But I occasionally return to see what's going, even if it may be several months between visits. Despite my complaints, it is certainly unparalleled in scale as a BDSM social network and resource.

Yesterday morning, on one of these occasional visits, a post in one of the well moderated discussion groups I tend to favor, Submissive men and women who love them, struck my fancy. The OP asked: "Tell me what you love the most about being a dominant woman's sub?"

I smiled and began giving a bit of thought to the question. And then I reflected on what I love the most about Goddess Selena's submissive today in contrast to what I loved in our earlier days, the evolution of our relationship, and how our relational dynamics and our activities have evolved over time. Because so much has happened over the time we've been together, impacting so many facets of our lives. The nation’s economic downturn. Geographic relocation. Changes in employment. The significant time demands of our jobs. Significant health issues.

And I decided that I loved the stability and centering that our D/s relationship has given us. While the frequency and duration of our formal playtime and BDSM games have always been susceptible to the overall time we have together and the energy we have at those moments, I feel that the spirit of the commitment we made to each other at the time of Goddess Selena collaring me has never wavered. In part because of our caring and love for each other both through our respective D/s roles, and regardless of those roles. And in part because of the daily rituals, and their related activities, we have come to cherish so much. To quote one of my favorite Ferns expressions, these rituals and activities have been continually "close-making."

Artwork courtesy of JLB, found on Dommes and Subs and Switches, Oh My...

So this post gave me a warm feeling over the course of a few minutes of introspection. And it reminded me of the Glenda Cloud quote “Change is inevitable. Growth is intentional.” 

And as to the original Fetlife post, with much satisfaction I replied:

What I love the most about being Goddess Selena's submissive? I can't really bring myself to give just one thing. It wouldn't do justice to what makes me so happy about being her submissive. With that disclaimer out of the way...
1- Being the focus of attention of a beautiful, sexy, smart, and dominant woman.
2- Making the life of someone I love and serve better.
3- Belonging to her... the warm feeling of being her boy, pet, play toy.
4- The nature of the daily banter between a witty dominant woman and her submissive.
5- The daily rituals we have that reinforce our D/s relational dynamics.
6- Being the object of her dominant and sexual desires.
7- Being with someone who appreciates, respects, and loves me as I am and for whom I am.
8- The rush of the tension and dynamics of a relationship where power exchange plays a big part.
9- Knowing that she finds her own enjoyment in the physical, mental, and emotional sensations she gives me.

"Me and my mistress" by zephyrianboom, found on Lunar Black

It's the little things... (E)

Image courtesy of S.I.N. via Thou Shall Love Thy Mistress

The little things in a relationship really do matter. There's a quote that goes something like "It's not what you say, it's not even what you do, it's how you make people feel that matters." And that's just so true in the relationship Goddess Selena and I share.

The feeling of warmth, affection, love, caring, positive co-dependence, loyalty, trust, and D/s permeates every aspect of our relationship, and every thought that I have involving my beloved Goddess. The nature of this blog being what it is, I won't bore you all with mushy stuff, but I thought I would take a few minutes to share a few of the little things (D/s oriented) that in their own way represent and define our dynamics.

I am presently away on a 4-day 3-night road trip. Like usual, Goddess Selena expects updates of what I'm doing and where I am at all times. She can also check on my location, providing her an idea of what I'm likely to be doing, through the tracking service that locks on to the position of my smart phone. It makes me feel special that she cares that much about what I'm up to, and that she wants to stay in touch throughout the day. Of course, the D/s control and ownership thing is really hot too. Done within a loving and trusting relationship, it makes me feel warm, wanted, cared for, and loved. And submissive and owned.

Image courtesy of the always stunning Mistress Eleise de Lacy via Femdom-SM

The latter is reinforced by the fact that my Goddess still expects me to wear a collar, in addition to my permanent Eternity Collar, at all times I'm in my hotel room. As a reminder. And I must text or call her for permission to remove it if/when I need to leave the room. The asking for permission and the granting of the permission at a distance of several hundred miles is a wonderfully powerful exercise of her dominance over me, and a demonstration of my submission to her. Our relationship is always switched on, even when far away from each other, and our D/s dynamics are always in play.

Our lives are full of rituals that are made up of little things. "Coffee and Clamps!" on mornings when neither one of us works, or will be going into work later. I'll be sitting at her feet regularly throughout the day (and at all times she smokes... I'm required to hold her ashtray from that position) when we stay at home. I'll be in bondage close to her, and often serve as furniture, when we have quiet time watching television for a stretch. I'll be in a submissive and controlled position when we go to bed, with or without bondage. I'll present myself for her to place and lock a leather collar around my neck any time I return home, and submissively ask her to remove it before I leave.

The expectations of my domestic duties. The kissing her feet daily. The caning/paddling/flogging I receive after we play competitive board games, one of our favorite hobbies; even when I win, she has a reason to have a go at my backside, and if I lose, well, she'll definitely be having fun. The painting of her toe nails on the weekends. The dynamics of our decision-making... she wants to know what I think and what I suggest we do, but the final decision is always hers alone to make.

Artwork courtesy of Fluffy Bunny Domination

And then there's the wonderfully random stuff. Goddess Selena smoking provocatively when we're on our traditional Skype call each night I'm on a road trip. Teasing dominant texts out-of-the-blue. Nipple torture... all of a sudden... just because. Ink or Sharpie markings of D/s and/or love on my back when the mood strikes her.

Don't get me wrong... The big "official" scenes are fantastic. Protracted scenes with any combination of caning, paddling, flogging, hot wax, clothespins, strap-on play, heavy nipple torture, sharp objects, significant bondage and restraint, breath play, sexual servitude, and more, always take me into a state of deep subspace that I yearn to return to time and time again. Unless I'm still physically sore from the previous scene, I can never get enough of them. I think about these scenes often. Maybe even too much.

Image courtesy of Cybill Troy via Thou Shall Love Thy Mistress

But it's the continual warmth and glow of the little things that stays with me at all times, literally every moment of the day and night. They are the constant reminder of the beauty of our relationship, of the continual psychic touch of the other, of the strong yet flexible ties that bind us, and of the feelings that really matter.

Artwork courtesy of Fluffy Bunny Domination

Power exchange and the impulse to hurt (E)

Image courtesy of Brutal Facesitting via Please keep your slave on a leash

I have been rather quiet on the blog writing side. It has been so busy at work, and when not at work, I have been busy at home serving Goddess Selena in any manner I can.  In addition, over time I have become quite the little perfectionist about my blog entries, so these require a fair amount of time to put together.  Hence, I do not always have the time, or the focus, to put these together when I get new things or perspectives to share.

But despite the diminishing frequency of our posts, there is much in the background that goes undocumented, and there is much I am thankful for, in my life with Goddess Selena.  As our relationship continues to grow and mature, so has my appreciation for our power exchange dynamics.  The symbolism of the Eternity Collar I have worn for her 24/7 for the past two years.  The daily wearing of a second collar that she ritually places and locks around my neck, which leaves there at all possible times.  Our daily rituals and what I do to take care of her (preparing food, fetching drinks, domestic duties, sitting on the floor at her feet holding her ashtray, coffee & clamps, running errands, drawing her baths, painting her toe nails, etc…)

All these little things bring me so much pleasure because they seem to bring her pleasure.  As her submissive partner, and a “pleaser” by nature, it brings me much joy to serve her and make her life easier when and where I can.  Her expectations of such things, and her expectation of such behavior on my part, feed and reinforce the power exchange dynamics of our relationship, in addition to giving me an addictive submissive high.

Image courtesy of Please keep you slave on a leash

On a side note, having been an observer of the scene for nearly three decades, I think that being a pleaser is a characteristic of those, males or females, who feel and live their submission deeply.  Without getting bogged down in what constitutes “real” submissives or slaves in the lifestyle, I do believe that those who are pleasers by nature tend to do better as bottoms/submissives/slaves than those who are not, regardless of trigger fetishes.

Our wonderful flow of power exchange dynamics is really composed attitudes and expectations on the one hand, and activities and rituals on the other.  Goddess Selena’s expectations of how we act, and interact with each other, as well as her expectations of what my appropriate behavior should be, are part of the attitude that I find so dominantly seductive.  The attitudes and expectations that I bring to the power exchange dynamics are my submission and my subservience to her needs and desires.  The actual rituals and activities that happen or follow on a daily basis are actually the fulfillment of the potential created by the power exchange dynamics between her dominance and my submission.

Image courtesy of If I Knew This Before... via Thou Shall Love Thy Mistress

And then, there are moments when the attitudes and the rituals and the activities all avalanche and collide with mood and time and opportunity, and I feel Goddess Selena taken over by an impulse to express her dominance in more straightforward manners.  An impulse to put me, and leave me, in bondage.  An impulse to mark me with temporary tattoos (until she is finally set on the design of some permanent ones.)  An impulse to hurt me through caning, paddling, hot wax, CBT, nipple torture, and more.  These impulses come onto her suddenly and powerfully, and she quickly overwhelms me in sensations and subspace.  Even as those sensations and emotions freeze those intense moments in time, they add significantly to my desire to fuel my share of our power exchange dynamics.

I know the impulse to hurt, or to be hurt, can be found in BDSM play with random strangers or casual partners, in private or in public, or with professionals.  Been there and done that, more times than I can remember.  But I guess the point of this post is to express my immense appreciation and gratitude for the depth and richness of the lifestyle I share with my beloved Goddess Selena.  Our lasting, continued, and continual power exchange dynamics, with all the little intricacies that go in creating and maintaining them, provide a huge and never-ending source of joy and happiness in my life.  And I hope they do for Goddess Selena too.

Image courtesy of Divine Bitches via kinkftw and Thou Shall Love Thy Mistress

My Goddess: my Love... my Obsession (E)

Image courtesy of Femdom Empire via Yes, Misstress... An Addiction to Submission

My tweeting over the course of the last month or so has turned out to be a rather satisfying experience. In a similar way that praying or meditating several times a day will do wonders to cleanse the soul, the heart, and the mind, and reinforce important principles, so I have found it to be with tweeting about our relationship, our activities, and our moods. Taking a minute or two to reflect, formulate my thoughts into words, and send the tweet has given me a chance to focus on the wonderful love and D/s relational dynamics we have. Often at least once a day, sometimes twice a day or more.

It has given me the chance to playfully express and share the obsession I have about my Goddess. An obsession that is not abating in the least as we are several years into our relationship. Never let anyone tell you that the magic of a relationship inevitably fades after the first 6-12 months. With the right chemistry, a little TLC, a little effort, good communications, a sense of exploration, and lots of kissing, the magic can keep growing far past expectations.

It is not as deep a meditation or contemplation as I go through when I sit down to write a post here in our blog. But the ease and speed of sharing on Twitter has been rather attractive, and I have found it a nice way to share and let my Goddess know what I'm feeling on a regular basis.

We have not really talked about our use of Twitter. My Goddess has not imposed a number of daily tweets on me (although that could be hot!). But she does seem to enjoy the tweets when they come through, or when she catches up to them. And I absolutely love reading her tweets.

For me, tweeting is a different and complementary form of tribute to my ever-growing love for my Goddess, to my evermore addictive obsession with her. Despite the incredible challenges we have faced together, despite the many challenges that we have faced in health, work, and more, I am hopelessly devoted to her. She is unconditionally loving, affectionate, and supportive of me. She is smart, witty, funny, and creative. And of course, there's that whole sexy, hot, and dominant thing going on. How can I not adore her?

I don't tell my Goddess often enough how much I love her. How much I'm infatuated with her. How much I think of her all the time. How much I adore. How every little thing she does is magic. Hopefully my service and obedience to her, along with my blogging and tweeting, and the times that I do tell her verbally and try to shower her with affection, all give her a good sense of how much I love her, and appreciate everything she is for me.

Image courtesy of Fine Erotica via Slaves of the Goddess

The secret is... enthusiasm (E)

A Little Light Bondage by Sorceress2000, via Lunar Black

Enthusiasm expresses wants and needs, and wants and needs impose will. Enthusiasm is the collection of many little daily gestures and words that expresses my Goddess' dominance, and her enjoyment of our D/s relational dynamics. And the fun she has playing with her toy... me.

Enthusiasm is my Goddess...

...giving me a harsh look and barking "Where's your collar, Bitch!" if I take any undue time to offer her the locking collar upon my arrival home each day. It happens very seldom... but when it does...

...pointing at her feet, where she wants me to sit, when she is ready to smoke and wants me to hold the ashtray for her;

...telling me what she wants or what she needs, and it is absolutely clear in the tone of her voice, that she is expecting, without a shadow of a doubt, that I will do it for her or get it for her;

...taking hold of my hair or my collar, pulling me in close to her, exhaling her cigarette smoke in my mouth;

...suddenly grabbing me by the hair while I'm sitting at her feet on the floor, and walking me over to the other end of the living room, leaving me on all fours, and serving up 24 strokes with the paddle, followed by 24 strokes with the cane;

...deciding that I will serve as furniture, and putting her legs up on my shoulders when I am at her feet on the floor, or telling me I must sleep at a 90 degree angle to her so that she can lay her legs up over my torso to sleep more comfortably, or ordering me to sit behind her so she can recline against me while we watch TV;

...bursting out "I really want to hurt you!" during lovemaking, and she brings me to a thunderous orgasm as I simultaneously whimper from the nipple torture;

...finalizing plans to bring me out to have a tattoo identifying me as her property;

...telling me "You're getting tied up tonight!" and after binding my wrists to the headboard of the bed, leaving me bound until the time the morning alarm goes off;

...sitting on my stomach while I am bound, and marking my chest with dominantly possessive drawings and notes with different colored Sharpies, which will remain visible for 3-5 days.

Enthusiasm is... the secret to the magic of D/s. At least for us it is.

Iconic picture of Prodomme Mistress Juliet Taylor (who seems to have retired), found on Women with Whips

The leash, and other sacred rituals (E)

The Red Boots, by Silver Jane, via Lunar Black

In these difficult economic times for us, I haven't given my Goddess a lot of time or many opportunities for her to express her domination. She has been so patient with my very long days and weeks at work, so generous with her unconditional support, and so wonderful in making the most of our few moments together.

That said, there are a number of our sacred rituals that are part of our lives that are as constant as the rising and setting cycle of the sun every day, and I am so grateful to my Goddess for keeping these going, and for her continued enjoyment of them, always maintaining a certain level of positive tension in our D/s dynamics.

Recently, my Goddess asked me to re-install the long "house leash" to the bed. The first thing I did the next morning was to clip one end of the 50' leash to the foot of the bed, and clip the other end to my locked leather collar. Upon her waking up later that morning, she found the leash, and pulled me in to her, wherever I was in our home, so I could begin my day of service to her.

Speaking of the locked leather collar, it is still one of my most cherished pleasures that every night, upon my return home, as surely as the tides move in and out twice a day, the D/s dynamics of our relationship are celebrated as I kneel before my Goddess, offering her my locking leather collar. She places it around my neck and locks it in place, where it remains until I need to shower before leaving for work the next morning. It means so much to me that she feels as strongly about this symbolic display domination and submission, owning and belonging, as I do.

When I'm still home at the time my Goddess wakes up in the morning, I have unerringly taken the opportunity for our favorite morning ritual. I'll prepare her one of her favorite coffees, bring it to her side, kneel before her as I lay it on the table, light her cigarette, and hold the ashtray up for her. If we still have a little time, I will take take each of her feet, and cover them with hundreds of little tender kisses.

When time allows in the morning, I make an additional offering of presenting myself to her at wake-up time with nipple clamps or nipples rings on, wearing little else than those, my locked leather collar, my ever-present eternity collar, and some underwear or sleeping shorts. She delights in my willingness to suffer for her, and she can never resist the temptation of reaching out to tug on the nipple clamps or rings to tease me and elicit gentle moans for me that she so enjoys.

I make it a point of doing some domestic duties such as cleaning, washing dishes, and straightening out the house before she gets up, although it is never quite enough, and I must schedule my time better to keep our humble castle in better shape for my Goddess.

Often in the evening, in addition to the locking leather collar, my Goddess will enjoy placing locking leather wrist cuffs and ankle cuffs on me, whether there is any play to follow or not. It's just an ownership thing, and she knows how much I love to honor by having many tangible, symbolic signs of my belonging to her.

While the locking leather items may not go on if we are having friends or family over, I do try to fulfill my Goddess' expectations of being the serving host, and this subtle part of our relationship dynamics, is especially exciting as it goes relatively unnoticed by our visitors.

Of course, variations are numerous, and play may or may not follow our rituals. However, these rituals are the foundations that keep our love and D/s dynamics strong, constant, unshakable, and full of positive tension that keep us both in a state of always wanting to get back to each other, always wanting to be with each other, and always wanting to do more with/for each other.

Instead of being restraining, our rituals are means for liberation, and they reinforce our love and commitment to each other. To paraphrase Amy Gregory from an article I read a long time ago, rituals resonate within us, they comfort us, and what they communicate to us is even more important than actually performing them. Rituals may be intimidating to some, but they don't have to be big events. They are about connecting, they about celebration, and I think that my Goddess and I will continue to find solace in them.

Image courtesy of Miss and pet

Our Solace Returns: why this is good (E)

"Suspension Love", by Ladenadenoire, via Lunar Black.

Following up on my Goddess' post, here are a few of the things that I'm looking forward to once we regain our privacy:

1. A return to the full compliment of daily rituals.
2. No more limits on my Goddess' expression of her dominance: more opportunities for impromtu bondage and BDSM and servitude.
3. My Goddess will be placing the locking leather collar much earlier each evening.
4. No more worries about noise caused by paddles, canes, or me (which will likely significantly increase the frequency of these activities).
5. Watching my Goddess' favorite TV shows while she keeps me in bondage; sexual servitude may be required at any time.
6. Spending more time leashed to my Goddess' side.
7. More nights sleeping in bondage next to my Goddess.
8. Playing my Goddess' favorite board games while she keeps me in bondage.
9. No more worries about prep, noise, or clean-up during strap-on play (which will likely significantly increase the frequency of this activity).
10. A large closet that can serve as a make-shift mini-dungeon.

The anticipation has been rising for a while now. In both of us.

Relational needs - Part 2 (E)

Artwork courtesy of http://ridingwild.tumblr.com/

As a follow-up to my first part on relational needs, I wanted to return to Willard F. Harley Jr.'s book "His Needs, Her Needs." One of the key points he tries to make is the following:

"Become aware of each other's emotional needs and learn to meet them."

In a sub-section titled "His needs are not her needs", he says that he's been able to classify ten major emotional needs:
1- admiration
2- affection
3- conversation
4- domestic support
5- family commitment
6- financial support
7- honesty and openness
8- physical attraction
9- recreational companionship
10- sexual fulfillment

In innumerable interviews done over the course of more than 15 years, Harley discovered why it was so difficult for men and women to meet the needs that are so important to the other. When he asked couples to list needs according to their own priorities, the men listed them one way and women the opposite way. "Of the ten basic emotional needs, the five listed as most important by men were usually the five least important for women, and vice-versa."

So clearly there lies three major obstacles for two individuals to be happy together:
1- identifying the other's needs
2- understanding the other's needs
3- fulfilling the other's needs

But before going further, I'm curious to know: How are the ten emotional needs influenced or affected by the dynamics of a D/s relationship? A femdom one in particular? Do the power dynamics permeate through all ten of the emotional needs? Most of them? Just a few of them? Or only sexual fulfillment?

So the four questions I put out there for you today are the following:
1- What are the five top emotional needs in your relationship for you?
2- What are the five top emotional needs of your partner?
3- If you are living in a relation that you consider to have a strong D/s component, how are these emotional needs influenced/affected by the D/s dynamics?

4- How well are you bridging the gap to meet your partner's needs?

As a side note, you will find three polls on the upper right of our blog. I encourage each of you to take a few moments to fill out two of the three polls that would apply to you. Let's see what you come up with in terms of gender differences, and where people think there may be emotional needs that are altered in their nature by a D/s lifestyle or not.

I'm sure the answers vary as much from one specific D/s couple to another as the lists of emotional needs do from one vanilla couple to another. But considering the basic premise of the difficulty in having a man and a woman in a relationship having a similar list of priorities, and the belief that most people in the lifestyle have that a D/s dynamics adds a whole new layer of complexity to the relationship, it seems particularly important for us to wade through this attentively, otherwise there is really no chance on either side for happiness.

If you are going to fill out the polls (and I'd really like to you to do so), please do it now before reading further.

* * * * * * * * * *

So let me share with you some thoughts on how these ten emotional needs play into the relationship between my Goddess and I, and specifically what role D/s plays within each of those needs. Of course, this is meant only as an illustration of how one particular relationship works, and it's certainly not indicative of how any relationship should work.

Since this post is already getting pretty long and unyieldy, I will start with just one, and andI'll follow up with the other nine over the course of other blog entries in the future.

Admiration: A sentiment we both have for each other, and that we often express to each other. My Goddess is my biggest fan. She is quite vocal in her admiration of what I do in the real world, and of my personal qualities. I'm her biggest fan also, and I am unreservedly enthusiastic about both her accomplishments and her personal qualities, to her and to people around us.

In relation to D/s dynamics, I think that this element is a huge part of our play. This mutal admiration plays out in opposite direction, as her admiration for me makes me a more attractive target for her dominant desires. The fact that she sees so much in me makes it more enticing for her to control me, to dominate me, and to own me.

On my side, my admiration for her makes it easy for me to want to serve her and worship her. When given the opportunity, getting things ready or doing things for her gives me a sense of higher purpose. It's easy to want to treat my Goddess well because I admire her so much. Appreciating how wonderful, smart, funny, caring, beautiful and sexy she is, and how important she is in my life, the distance between admiration and worship is not great. Add to that the element of her dominance, and the emotional need of admiration is one that is not only an important one for us, but one that keeps up close together, and one that has become colored by the D/s dynamics of our relationship.

Am I meeting all her needs in this area? How can one ever be sure? I think I'm doing a decent job, although I keep looking for ways to do better and do more. In view of how much I admire her, it's just a matter of making sure she knows how I feel.

Needing more time (E)

Artwork courtesy of Kokuryuugan via Lunar Black

Just yesterday morning, my Goddess was having her daily fix of hurting me when she said "I need some long play time."

The prelude to the comment was just the usual bit of NT & CBT on the run, with my Goddess trying to get some of her favorite facial expressions and sounds out of me. We had far too little time to take things further, pressed by the pressure of getting ready for an early workday. But her tantalizing comment, full of hunger, left me excited, and with a growing hunger myself for the next time we can lose ourselves into each other for as long as we want.

And then I was reminded of a wonderful passage from Mistress Wynter's blog, where she writes:

"I love to watch a sub react to the things I do or say; I deeply enjoy being the treasure trove of your kink, expanding our repertoire of play, causing more pain, ferreting out more secrets and using those secrets against you, the sharing of dark pleasures, the dance between top and bottom, the give and take and give and take until both parties realize that time has both stopped and raced by and that all other issues in the world are, for the time being, of absolutely no importance. All that matters is what we are doing, cause and effect, need and absolution. It is a gift to be shared completely, to be taken from your partner and given back in kind. There really isn't anything else quite like it.

I also enjoy the process of learning my sub, finding those buttons, pushing them lightly or pressing on them like crazy until I learn all I can about the person under my control. Smiling as you react, grinning at your discomfort, laughing at your pain. It is a shared process and that is why I love it so much."

What an intoxincatingly beautiful passage!

Granted, she wrote it in the larger context of a blog entry by a professional dominatrix lamenting clients coming in to see her for scripted scenes. Scripted scenes, in any context, simply miss the point. It's like reading the last chapter of the book first, and missing the progression and denouement of the adventure. It's like watching a sporting event on DVR the day after and knowing how the game turns out. It replaces the magic of the connection by a by-the-numbers set of gestures. It would indeed be a terrible loss of opportunity for both her and the client, especially since she's a pro-domme with an outstanding reputation.

But my point is that whether a lifestyle context or a professional one, this passage goes to the core of the dynamic exchange between the domme and her sub. It captures in words some of the mood, energy, and D/s tension that I feel from, and with, my Goddess in our interactions.

And Mistress Wynter's passage came to life vividly as my Goddess was leaning over me, torturing reactions she loves so much out of me, enjoying the fleeting moment we had, and longing to freeze that moment in time for us to do our intimate dance without another care in the world.

The freedom not to be free (E)

"I'll keep you", from http://mangademon333.deviantart.com

"... I don't know how these guys do it, and how these women let them do it. I know where he [Endymion] is all the time, and what he's doing."

I overheard this comment from my Goddess to someone very close to us as they caught part of a television show that dealt with cheating.

I thought that was hot. I loved hearing her say that. It was a powerful reminder of our bond of love, our enjoyment of each other's company, our D/s relationship, and of our lifestyle.

I don't have the least interest in being away from my Goddess for any reason. Every moment is happier, more intense, funnier, richer, more enjoyable, and more interesting for sharing it with her. I certainly have no interest in straying... why would I risk what I'd be hoping for all my life? I am deeply in love with her, and uncurably addicted to her. Any time spent doing something without her, never mind time with another woman, would be time away from my Goddess, and that's simply not a good trade-off. It would be a waste of opportunity. The opportunity to spend more time with her.

In addition, between my mainstream collar, which cannot be removed and has clear symbolism once made visible, and the locked ankle cuffs that I am often asked to wear under long pants, there are physical and visual barriers that would take the air out of any attempted adventurous interlude.

I love being hers. I love even more that she loves that I am hers. The control she has over where I am and what I'm doing at anytime is an implicit part of our D/s dynamics, and reinforces them. It isn't done in distrust, but it makes trust implicit and almost 100% verifiable for her, and I see it has a sign of how much she cares. The loss of freedom is insignificant and forgotten in contrast to the gain of sharing and happiness.

Where some might see loss, limits, and constraints, I see the reaching of a dream, two people that can't be away from each other, and an intense flow of feelings of owning and belonging. Now that I am where I've wanted to be all my life, why would I be upset at not having the luxury of leaving it?

The prospect to exploring further and deeper with my Goddess, hand-in-hand on our common journey, is immensely more appealing me than any scenario that would not include her. And that's why not only do I not mind the situation, I think it's really hot.

Collar and cuffs (E)

Artwork courtesy of http:/lunarblack.tumblr.com; artist unknown.

The nightly collaring ritual is always so special to us. I had a few posts (here and here) on this subject over the last few weeks.

Every few days or few weeks, though, my Goddess needs more. Tonight was one of those times. She requested that I bring her the locking leather wrist cuffs after she placed the locking leather collar around my neck.

She didn't order me to get them in a haughty and bitchy and condescending manner. She wasn't planning to immobilize me for some pain and torture. She wasn't looking forward to enjoy watching me struggle in bondage overnight.

No, she just told me she needed them. She told me that she wanted me locked into them so that she could keep me nearby. Keep me close. Keep me from going away.

I felt, and I knew, that apart from the actual light bondage keeping me near her, there was a need for her to demonstrate her ownership of me, both for her and for me. The symbolism far outweighed the actions. There was something soft about the control she exerted, something tender about the power she exercised.

And it was just as dominant on her part as locking the cuffs around my wrists for any other reason. It reinforced the D/s dynamics of our relationship just as much. Not through severity or strictness or force. But rather, through subtlety, nuance, and range.

Collared (E)

Artwork courtesy of http://lunarblack.tumblr.com

It's been over a year since my Goddess collared me, and I have to say that the symbolism, the sensations, and the emotions of wearing her collar(s) has not waned in the least for me since the very first day. Quite the contrary.

There isn't a day that goes by when I don't reach for the chain, and the small lock that keeps it on, that serves as my permanent collar on a day-to-day basis. My "mainstream" collar, other people may get a glimpse of the chain, depending on the kind of shirt I'm wearing, but rarely do they see the small lock that has kept it in place for all but perhaps 2 hours since she obtained it for me about six months ago.

The heaviness and texture of the braided chain is a constant reminder of the bonds that keep us together. I can't help but reach to feel the chain, and the ungiving sensation of the lock, several times a day. And each time, the senses of my belonging and her ownership swell within me, somehow warm, tender, powerful, inevitable, and without escape, all at once.

These feelings and emotions are multiplied several-fold by my locking leather collar, which I wear every night, and parts of the day when we are alone at home. Something about it being unmistakably not mainstream... the thick black leather... the three D-rings... the metal studs... the small padlock hanging off the buckle in back... I reach up to feel it at least every hour, even now, touching and feeling different parts of it, and it is a sight to behold when I catch the occasional glimpse of it in the mirror. This collar has been with us for over a year, and the times when I have not gone to sleep with it on have been very far and few between.

The time of day that I present the locking leather collar to my Goddess for placing around my neck for the rest of that day/evening, and overnight, is still perhaps my favorite time of day. The ceremony as I kneel before my Goddess and offer her the collar and lock is a brief daily celebration of our love for each other and our relationship.

Of course, this means that while the leather collar is around my neck, the locked chain is there too, and the occasional clanging of the chain's lock against the central D-ring of the leather collar excites my Goddess to no end. Especially if we are engaged in activities that lead to some clanging...

Reflecting briefly today upon yesterday's entry on my ever-growing infatuation with my Goddess, it occured to me that the symbolism, emotions, and sensations of being collared, and wearing a collar for her, had also grown as now, we have one more year of significance and meaning behind the gesture.

An ever-growing infatuation (E)

Artwork courtesy of http://doggies.tumblr.com/

A stunning vision that just about made me drop to my knees every time I saw her...

From the fantastic long while shirt with sleeves that flared at the wrists to the black jacket that remained opened in front, and her shiny, not-quite-at the-knee shiny high-heeled boots, I just could not take my eyes off my Goddess today. For the occasion of our longest day in public together in several weeks. She looked radiant and irrestibly sexy.

As our relationship continues to grow, I was reminded that I find myself increasingly, uncontrollably, attracted to my Goddess. I so enjoy her company, her wit, her intelligence, her affection, her humor, her care, and everything else she does for me. Our D/s relationship is beyond anything I could have scripted in my wildest dreams before I met her. And I love her beyond words. I can't even imagine where this will take us in the next few years.

She turned many heads today. I couldn't repress a smile every time someone noticed her. And I couldn't help but to think "they couldn't possibly imagine..."

D/s and post-operative care (E)

Artwork courtesy of http://bringonxtoys.com/ (The Good Stuff)

It's amazing how daily D/s dynamics are not that different from providing post-surgery care. Then again, maybe attentive service within the context of a D/s relationship needs to be at the level of what one would do in taking care of someone that has just come out of surgery.

Sadly, my Goddess required surgery last week. The details are not important at this moment, but recovery has been very painful for her, and her mobility has been quite limited. Not to worry... she is getting better and stronger each day.

The realization of the parallel between D/s dynamics and post-operative care came upon me during the course of the day while I was preparing lunch for my beautiful Goddess. I'm proud to say that not much has changed between what I do for her during this post-operative recovery period, and what I did for her before. I try to be attentive to her every need, I fetch things for her, prepare her meals, get her drinks, take care of the environment around her, and provide her with a multitude of little services, either upon request, or by taking the initiative.

Of course, there are a few differences between now and then. I've left out service, or a manner of service, with more overtly sexual or D/s undertones (for example kissing her feet in most positions rights now would probably cause her a lot of pain)... for now. And I don't normally provide physical support for my Goddess getting up or sitting/lying down.

But overall, I'm quite pleased that for the most part, there hasn't been a noticeably increased load on me. Not that I would mind. It's just that our daily routine, minus the more obvious sexual or D/s (worshipping, etc...) actions, has remained overall quite unchanged, despite some new logistical challenges. And I must say that it is quite satisfying for me to know that I tried to put in the same kind of attention and intensity into my service for my Goddess before health issues as now. Of course, it's just that the stakes are higher.

My Goddess thinks that I'm going through a lot of trouble, but really, I'm not. She is the most precious thing in my life, and nothing has meaning if I don't make her as happy as I can. Having my Goddess express her deep appreciation almost daily for my care of her since the surgery has been quite rewarding, and I'll see what I can do about using this experience as a springboard to even more dedicated service to her in the future.

Random thoughts... Beyond D/s... (E)

Artwork courtesy of Arai Hime, through http://deviantart.net/

She likes me to be around when she's in the mood to hurt me, but it's even more important for me to be around when she needs a hug.

Sexual servitude is important, moral support is essential.

Belonging to her to intoxicating, being there for her is empowering.

Submitting to her is exciting, serving her is fulfilling.

Her dominance over me is the expression of her sexuality and her self, her attention to me every moment of the day is the expression of her love for me.

Hurting for pleasure and the pleasure of hurting, control and surrender, ownership and belonging, authority and worship, dominance and submission...

Parts that add up to a greater sum... necessary but not quite sufficient... who we are on our way to what we can become... everyday dynamics that power two lives... a complex lifestyle that reveals a simple love...

Signs of ownership (E)

Artwork courtesy of http://www.femdomartists.com/

Top 10 things that show/express/demonstrate my Goddess' ownership of me.

1- The locked chain around my neck... In the more than three months since it has been purchased, it's been off only twice, for a total of less than 2 hours. In one case, it was to get through a metal detector. Only she has the keys.

2- The locked leather collar... I wear it at all times at home when we don't have other people over. I must offer it to her any time we get back home, and it's on by the time we go to sleep every single night. Very occasionally, when the circumstances are right, she will require that I wear it when we go out.

3- Locked leather ankle cuffs under my pants... My Goddess will sometimes put them on me before a work day, or for some of our outings.

4- The house leash... During quiet times at home, a 50-ft leash is often clipped to my locked leather collar so that my Goddess can pull me back any time she needs something. Or just to tease me.

5- My Goddess writing on me... Using a hot pink Sharpie, sometimes she will write on my body little messages of ownership while I am bound. It takes 2-4 days before the writing washes off.

6- Overnight bondage... From just binding my hands with clipped and locked leather wrist cuffs, to binding my hands to the headboard, to full immobilization that include my hands being tied to the bed, my ankles locked in a spreader bar tied to the foot of the bed, and a blindfold, sometimes my Goddess is intent in keeping her pet right next to her overnight.

7- Gags... When my Goddess wants to make sure she is the only one that can enjoy the sounds I make when she hurts me.

8- Being her toy for pain... In public or in private, my Goddess loves to hurt me, whenever she feels like it. It displays her control and her dominance over me, and her ownership of me.

9- Strap-on play... For sex or simply to express her dominance, my Goddess loves to take me, whenever the mood strikes her.

10- Sexual servitude... I am on-call to provide sexual service to my Goddess anytime, anywhere, and in any manner she wants/needs. Enough said.

And I must say, it is truly sublime to belong to my Goddess.

Primal need for D/s (E)

Artwork courtesy of www.malesubmissionart.com

As you can tell by the lack of posts over the last little while, RL has left us with very little time for formal D/s activities, or for reflection and/or writing about what's been going on.

This situation has left us increasingly hungry, with each passing day, to return to our usual levels of intensity and activity. And yet, to a certain extent, it has brought increasing attention and significance to some of the little things.

The placing and locking of the leather collar around my neck in the evening has become almost a ceremony. I no longer have time to get my collar... my Goddess keeps it handy herself, pulls it out at the first opportunity, and puts it on me. I can feel her pressing need to put the collar on me. I can feel her relief when she locks it and she knows I am hers without question for the night.

In the busy, and very open public settings that we find ourselves, small duties such as getting my Goddess food or drinks, or preparing them for her, seem innocuous to all those around us, and yet, these actions have become so important as they as among the only ones that are possible under the circumstances.

As one of only a handful of commands that is given, and that can be followed, during the course of these days, a quiet "Get me my coffee, Bitch!" in private is even more powerful right now than if my Goddess was barking it to me while in leather, with stiletto heels and holding a crop.

We are both feeling this deep, deep need to return to a more active and demonstrative level of D/s. There is a certain level of withdrawal. The D/s tension is there, the roles are transparent to us, if opaque to others, and D/s whispers are now loud and heavy in their significance. But we can feel that this primal need in each of us, such an essential part of who we are and how we express our sexuality to each other, is not quite being fulfilled while things are so busy and out of sorts for us these days.

But it''s just a matter of time before life returns to something more normal. If you can ever call life, or us, normal...

Chain of love (E)

Artwork courtesy of Stig

It's been 26 days since my Goddess purchased, and locked around my neck, a beautiful chain that is kept in place by a small shiny lock that matches the chain perfectly. I've worn it for all 26 days, 24/7. My Goddess has the only keys to the lock in her possession, and short of exceptional circumstances such as air travel, medical issues, or other major situations when it could be a problem, she's told me she's not intending on taking it off. Ever.

That's so hot...

I'm sad that this has meant that the original necklace my Goddess collared me with has remained on my bedside table. It's a beautiful piece that is clearly D/s in intent, and its design makes it relatively easy to conceal under a shirt or sweater. The problem was that it was a delicate piece, it was starting to show some wear, and it had to be removed once or twice a day so not to be damaged.

And that is what motivated the purchase of the chain. While less subtle, the heavier chain can still be concealed fairly easily, it is much less likely to be damaged, regardless of activities, and even if it does get damaged (which is difficult to imagine, in view of its hardy construction), it would be relatively inexpensive to replace.

This new locking chain has not been affected by our ritual of my Goddess placing my locking leather collar around my neck as soon as we both get home each day. It is more than sturdy enough to withstand the occasional light impact with the D-rings of the leather collar, something that was a concern with the more delicate necklace. So during my time at home with my Goddess, I've been wearing both the locking chain and locking collar over the course of the last month.

In additional to the heavier weight around my neck, the new locking chain has proven to be a bonus to my Goddess as it is easier to reach and tug on, if the leather collar isn't connected to a leash. It has come in useful to my Goddess during our lovemaking for control and very light breath play. And while we go around in public, such as shopping in large malls, it has brought little moments of pride and joy to my Goddess as she will occasionally reach around the back of my neck, pull the chain up so that the lock slips over my shirt or sweater, and then it becomes visible to anyone who would look carefully enough.

Wearing the locked chain 24/7, knowing that it cannot be removed unless my Goddess chooses to, has been an additional element of control that has further reinforced the D/s dynamics of our relationship, and deepened the bonds of belonging and ownership between us. It has also deepened or intensified what I would call the serenity of surrender, a peaceful and happy place to be in for me.

The locked chain is a noticeable physical sensation that is a simple but powerful symbol of my Goddess' control over me, and a symbol of permanency, of dominance, of inevitability, and of commitment. And it has been a wonderful addition to both our collection of implements and our lifestyle.

"I need my coffee, Bitch!" (E)

Artwork courtesy of Van Rod

It's amazing how the same words can be negative and offending, or positively exciting, depending on the context and the nature of the relationship.

A few mornings ago, my Goddess woke up a bit before I did. As I felt her stirring next to me, I started slowly coming out of my sleep. My eyes still closed, my mind coming out of its sleep-induced fog, the first thing I heard was:

"I need my coffee, Bitch!"

My Goddess was leaning over me, with a dominantly evil smile. I couldn't help but to be turned on and excited. I quickly replied "Yes, my Goddess", got up, and went to prepare her coffee.

It was a wonderful start to our morning rituals before another extraordinary day with my Goddess...

Collar redux... and more locking jewelry (E)

Artwork courtesy of Nanshakh (http://www.nanshakh.com/)

My Goddess and I were out perhaps two hours yesterday, and as soon as we returned, the locking leather collar went back on. That puts the present running total at 62 hours out of the last 64.

My Goddess has not been feeling well these last few days, but she did have a little cabin fever, so we went out for a late lunch. After eating, we dropped by one of our favorite fetish shops, and picked up a beautiful metal locking neck chain for me. The idea behind the purchase was to get me a locking chain/collar that I could wear while working out. It has been a source of sadness for both of us that neither the leather collar or my mainstream collar/necklace could be used during athletic activities. Beyond the inappropriateness of the locking leather collar in vanilla settings, neither one of the collars would withstand the damage of working out for very long. Now, the new locking chain will forever be my companion in such activities, as it will much more resistant to perspiration, chlorine, and showering.

We tried the locking chain at the shop, had them shorten it by a few links, and within a few seconds of returning to the car with it, my Goddess placed it around my neck and locked it. At that time, I was already wearing my mainstream collar, so we returned home with me wearing both. Once home, I removed my mainstream collar, and my Goddess placed the locking leather collar on me. But as she was increasingly enthralled with the new locking chain on me, she chose not to remove it. And I have been wearing both my locking leather collar, and the locking chain, since that time (about 18 hours).

While we were in the fetish shop, my Goddess came across a new toy she couldn't resist getting... a "candy" cane. Shaped in the traditional cane form, about 24" long, it's made of two strands of plastic, one red and one white, twisted over each other. It looks like a a giant candy cane, but it's definitely meant for those who are naughty and not nice...

With some serious RL stress this week, and health issues, we haven't done much in terms of heavy playing. But I could tell last night during some light NT and CBT that between the new locking chain and the new cane, my Goddess' need to express her dominance in some more intense activities is about to boil over...

I know I'm obsessing over the whole collar thing these days, but their symbolism, and their physical presence just continually intensify such deep and powerful feelings in each of us. And it brings me to the realization that the only thing more intoxicating than being completely, obsessively in love with my Goddess is the intoxication of being the object of her love, her dominance, her lust...