Power exchange and the impulse to hurt (E)

Image courtesy of Brutal Facesitting via Please keep your slave on a leash

I have been rather quiet on the blog writing side. It has been so busy at work, and when not at work, I have been busy at home serving Goddess Selena in any manner I can.  In addition, over time I have become quite the little perfectionist about my blog entries, so these require a fair amount of time to put together.  Hence, I do not always have the time, or the focus, to put these together when I get new things or perspectives to share.

But despite the diminishing frequency of our posts, there is much in the background that goes undocumented, and there is much I am thankful for, in my life with Goddess Selena.  As our relationship continues to grow and mature, so has my appreciation for our power exchange dynamics.  The symbolism of the Eternity Collar I have worn for her 24/7 for the past two years.  The daily wearing of a second collar that she ritually places and locks around my neck, which leaves there at all possible times.  Our daily rituals and what I do to take care of her (preparing food, fetching drinks, domestic duties, sitting on the floor at her feet holding her ashtray, coffee & clamps, running errands, drawing her baths, painting her toe nails, etc…)

All these little things bring me so much pleasure because they seem to bring her pleasure.  As her submissive partner, and a “pleaser” by nature, it brings me much joy to serve her and make her life easier when and where I can.  Her expectations of such things, and her expectation of such behavior on my part, feed and reinforce the power exchange dynamics of our relationship, in addition to giving me an addictive submissive high.

Image courtesy of Please keep you slave on a leash

On a side note, having been an observer of the scene for nearly three decades, I think that being a pleaser is a characteristic of those, males or females, who feel and live their submission deeply.  Without getting bogged down in what constitutes “real” submissives or slaves in the lifestyle, I do believe that those who are pleasers by nature tend to do better as bottoms/submissives/slaves than those who are not, regardless of trigger fetishes.

Our wonderful flow of power exchange dynamics is really composed attitudes and expectations on the one hand, and activities and rituals on the other.  Goddess Selena’s expectations of how we act, and interact with each other, as well as her expectations of what my appropriate behavior should be, are part of the attitude that I find so dominantly seductive.  The attitudes and expectations that I bring to the power exchange dynamics are my submission and my subservience to her needs and desires.  The actual rituals and activities that happen or follow on a daily basis are actually the fulfillment of the potential created by the power exchange dynamics between her dominance and my submission.

Image courtesy of If I Knew This Before... via Thou Shall Love Thy Mistress

And then, there are moments when the attitudes and the rituals and the activities all avalanche and collide with mood and time and opportunity, and I feel Goddess Selena taken over by an impulse to express her dominance in more straightforward manners.  An impulse to put me, and leave me, in bondage.  An impulse to mark me with temporary tattoos (until she is finally set on the design of some permanent ones.)  An impulse to hurt me through caning, paddling, hot wax, CBT, nipple torture, and more.  These impulses come onto her suddenly and powerfully, and she quickly overwhelms me in sensations and subspace.  Even as those sensations and emotions freeze those intense moments in time, they add significantly to my desire to fuel my share of our power exchange dynamics.

I know the impulse to hurt, or to be hurt, can be found in BDSM play with random strangers or casual partners, in private or in public, or with professionals.  Been there and done that, more times than I can remember.  But I guess the point of this post is to express my immense appreciation and gratitude for the depth and richness of the lifestyle I share with my beloved Goddess Selena.  Our lasting, continued, and continual power exchange dynamics, with all the little intricacies that go in creating and maintaining them, provide a huge and never-ending source of joy and happiness in my life.  And I hope they do for Goddess Selena too.

Image courtesy of Divine Bitches via kinkftw and Thou Shall Love Thy Mistress

"So... what was your favorite part?" (E)

Drawing courtesy of http://malesubmissionart.com/

As my Goddess and I wind down after an extended play session, and I'm slowly coming out of subspace, we usually share thoughts about what has happened. Sensations, feelings, emotions, and almost inevitably, highlights.

Last Saturday was no different. As my Goddess shared in her last post, we had some powerfully intense times, and the range of activities she put me through was surpassed only by the range of those sensations, feelings, and emotions I went through. Through bondage, sexual service, nipple torture, flogging, CBT, paddling, and culminating with strap-on play, my headspace went from belonging to surrender, from submitting to her needs and desires to totally being hers for absolutely anything she wanted.

Each one of the activities and experiences was a highlight. I would have been fulfilled and overwhelmed with any one of them. The sequence and combination was a beautiful expression of her mood and desires of the moment, and a powerful expression of her dominance over me.

My answer to the question "so... what was your favorite part?" during the post-play maelstrom of thoughts, visions, feelings, and emotions running through my head, was the strap-on play. It always is. I cannot describe the intensity of what I feel when she takes me, from slowly penetrating me, to moving in and out rythmically and increasingly faster as her nails dig into my hips, to savagely banging her hips against my backside as she fucks me until she reaches orgasm. Just the mental playback is making me slip back a bit into subspace as I write this. The powerful symbolism of this expression of dominance and submission, of belonging and ownership, and of giving and surrendering to my Goddess remains for me the ultimate expression of our D/s selves.

But the real answer to the question is ultimately... her. She is the favorite part of our play... of our time together... of anything we do together... of my life. It's her attitude, her creativity, her mood, her voice, her touch, her teasing, her caring, her energy, her dominance, her love. If anyone has ever been blessed with the perfect partner, the perfect mistress, and beyond the D/s component of our relationship, the perfect soulmate and the perfect love, it is me.

My favorite part of what we did was you, my love. You were the best part of our play, just as you are the best part of my life.