Power exchange and the impulse to hurt (E)

Image courtesy of Brutal Facesitting via Please keep your slave on a leash

I have been rather quiet on the blog writing side. It has been so busy at work, and when not at work, I have been busy at home serving Goddess Selena in any manner I can.  In addition, over time I have become quite the little perfectionist about my blog entries, so these require a fair amount of time to put together.  Hence, I do not always have the time, or the focus, to put these together when I get new things or perspectives to share.

But despite the diminishing frequency of our posts, there is much in the background that goes undocumented, and there is much I am thankful for, in my life with Goddess Selena.  As our relationship continues to grow and mature, so has my appreciation for our power exchange dynamics.  The symbolism of the Eternity Collar I have worn for her 24/7 for the past two years.  The daily wearing of a second collar that she ritually places and locks around my neck, which leaves there at all possible times.  Our daily rituals and what I do to take care of her (preparing food, fetching drinks, domestic duties, sitting on the floor at her feet holding her ashtray, coffee & clamps, running errands, drawing her baths, painting her toe nails, etc…)

All these little things bring me so much pleasure because they seem to bring her pleasure.  As her submissive partner, and a “pleaser” by nature, it brings me much joy to serve her and make her life easier when and where I can.  Her expectations of such things, and her expectation of such behavior on my part, feed and reinforce the power exchange dynamics of our relationship, in addition to giving me an addictive submissive high.

Image courtesy of Please keep you slave on a leash

On a side note, having been an observer of the scene for nearly three decades, I think that being a pleaser is a characteristic of those, males or females, who feel and live their submission deeply.  Without getting bogged down in what constitutes “real” submissives or slaves in the lifestyle, I do believe that those who are pleasers by nature tend to do better as bottoms/submissives/slaves than those who are not, regardless of trigger fetishes.

Our wonderful flow of power exchange dynamics is really composed attitudes and expectations on the one hand, and activities and rituals on the other.  Goddess Selena’s expectations of how we act, and interact with each other, as well as her expectations of what my appropriate behavior should be, are part of the attitude that I find so dominantly seductive.  The attitudes and expectations that I bring to the power exchange dynamics are my submission and my subservience to her needs and desires.  The actual rituals and activities that happen or follow on a daily basis are actually the fulfillment of the potential created by the power exchange dynamics between her dominance and my submission.

Image courtesy of If I Knew This Before... via Thou Shall Love Thy Mistress

And then, there are moments when the attitudes and the rituals and the activities all avalanche and collide with mood and time and opportunity, and I feel Goddess Selena taken over by an impulse to express her dominance in more straightforward manners.  An impulse to put me, and leave me, in bondage.  An impulse to mark me with temporary tattoos (until she is finally set on the design of some permanent ones.)  An impulse to hurt me through caning, paddling, hot wax, CBT, nipple torture, and more.  These impulses come onto her suddenly and powerfully, and she quickly overwhelms me in sensations and subspace.  Even as those sensations and emotions freeze those intense moments in time, they add significantly to my desire to fuel my share of our power exchange dynamics.

I know the impulse to hurt, or to be hurt, can be found in BDSM play with random strangers or casual partners, in private or in public, or with professionals.  Been there and done that, more times than I can remember.  But I guess the point of this post is to express my immense appreciation and gratitude for the depth and richness of the lifestyle I share with my beloved Goddess Selena.  Our lasting, continued, and continual power exchange dynamics, with all the little intricacies that go in creating and maintaining them, provide a huge and never-ending source of joy and happiness in my life.  And I hope they do for Goddess Selena too.

Image courtesy of Divine Bitches via kinkftw and Thou Shall Love Thy Mistress

Retiring a collar (E)

With much sadness, my Goddess and I retired the locking heavy rubber collar this past week. Purchased six months ago, it had seen fairly heavy use as one of two collars in rotation since that time. The “clanky” collar, as she called it, had become her choice about half the time as she loved the noise it made from the four large double-rings that rang against each other and against my permanently affixed Eternity Collar with any movement I made.

I rapidly became quite fond of it as well as the 2” width and its rigidity made it feel more severe than the leather collars. More severe meant that I definitely felt my Goddess’ dominance and control more explicitly and forcefully when she chose this collar over the others, and it created in me a deeper sense of submission and being owned.

We were forced to retire it as the slit that was used for the locking buckle split completely open, making it unusable. Using the next slit would make it far too tight to be used safely.

The advantage of heavy rubber collars over leather ones is that they are very low maintenance and exceedingly easy to clean and keep fresh, important considerations for us as my Goddess keeps a collar locked on me roughly 10-12 hours a day on work days, and around the clock on non-work days. Exceptions to the latter are only afforded for outings in public and working out.

Their disadvantages are that they can pick-up a bit of a smell if not cleaned on a regular basis, they wear out more readily, and they can/eventually break. Good quality leather collars will stretch out with wear, and they do require upkeep, but they will last for a very long time (years) with a bit of care.

We are certainly not disappointed with having purchased it earlier this year. And I would not be surprised to find another one in our lives in the future. For now, the locking purple leather collar will become the daily mainstay, with an older all-black locking leather collar serving as an occasional alternate, while my Goddess decides on our next collar purchase.