"... when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
-- When Harry met Sally

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed."
-- Carl Jung

Saturday, October 17, 2009

A different perspective on "punishment" (E)

Artwork courtesy
of Bishop and

Within the context of a D/s relationship where BDSM plays a key role, I don't like the concept of punishment. There... I said it... I know it goes against the trend, and that many will disagree with me. But I don't. And here's why.

Punishment would mean that I did something wrong. It would imply disappointment on the part of my Goddess in relation to something I did, or did not do. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen, or that I'm perfect, or that I wouldn't possibly enjoy the consequences of it. But I don't want to disappoint her. Ever. And whatever enjoyment I would get from the session would be far over-shadowed by the fact that it was happening because I disappointed her.

I do my very best not to disappoint my Goddess. I really do. In my service to her, in my submission to her, and in my support of her, in trying to go beyond what she would expect, and in anticipating her needs, doing all that I must do as well as I can, being pro-active and pre-emptive, is a state of mind.

True punishment would be easy enough. By now, my Goddess knows me well enough to crash any of my limits in no time flat. There would be no challenge there. Our style is one based on our connection, on sensuality, on mind-play, on fulfillment, on self-expression, on needs, and on pushing to the limits, and pushing beyond them. Ignoring limits, and bulldozing through them for the sake of punishment would not be constructive, and I don't know if it would be as enriching for her.

If that kind of punishment would be something my Goddess wanted and needed, if it was how she wanted to express her dominance over me, then I would be more than happy to submit to it. I would expect her to get everything she wanted out of it for herself. But somehow, I've often found and seen a pervasive, contradictory, and unhealthy relationship between punishment and D/s play in many partners because it can be self-defeating and manipulative. And that just isn't a dynamic that we are attracted to.

The threat of punishment, and even the realization of a particularly harsh session that I may not enjoy (or not completely enjoy) but that my Goddess would, can be a very erotic thought. And at any time my Goddess feels the need for it, I remain hers to do as she desires. But as I mentioned earlier, the idea of me disappointing her, of us actually doing a scene because I did something wrong, would be something that would bother me tremendously unless she was just looking for an excuse for some intense play, and that was what she really wanted to.

I never want to go down the road of even thinking about not doing my best because of what may or may not happen. One of the most powerful and inspirational facets of our relationship is my need to serve her, and her need to express her dominance over me. It provides us both with an extraordinary sense of freedom. I would much rather have my Goddess hungry to fulfill her needs and feed her dominance than have her angry at me.

If it's enjoyable and fulfilling for my Goddess, it will be for me also, and it won't really be punishment. If it's not enjoyable for her, I'd rather we not be doing it at all. It would somehow be punishment for her too.

So punishment, unless it is teasing and an excuse to create a scene (which hasn't happened), isn't really part of the landscape of our D/s relationship. Real punishment would be indifference, and that would be self-defeating. Being one who reacts much better to having the bar set for me, which I'll always try to reach or go beyond, I feel that being trained for what my Goddess likes and wants is a much more constructive way of growing and moving forward in our relationship.

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